What Do YOU want?

There are times when life needs to stay a constant. Then, there are times when it must change. Change comes for various reasons and in various forms.

The term pivot is typical of the type of change most people experience. I for one, prefer this type of change. A slight pivot here and there to course correct, make minor adjustment etc...Let you know you’re alive!

There’s the other, more jarring change, sort of a radical, ‘180 time to head in the complete opposite direction’ kind of change.

The latter depicts the last 14 years of my life.

I know. I’ve heard the, “but there’s a good change!” Or my personal favorite platitude, “change is good, it gives you a new perspective and brings the opportunity for growth.“

...said everyone who had good change and no one ever died, got cancer, or had a major financial crisis or children who created shenanigans...Maybe I’m the only one who doesn’t want through trials with grace and ease. I’m starting to become ok with that.

The change experienced in my life over these past few years have been hard. Some good, some not, a lot of it hurt.

A lot. This last round of change, a loss of a vision, a life with my crew, I gripped so tightly, too tightly, hurt.

A lot. This change felt different. Like a do or die moment. Too dramatic?

My mentor looked me in the face this week and asked, “Jen, what do you really want?”


Have you ever asked yourself that question?

What do YOU REALLY want?

Most of my Christian life people have considered it their christianly duty to sort of give me help, guidance as it were, in the areas they feel I’m off in my thinking, acting and believing. I hate that. Because rarely were they right. Mostly they spoke out of their own ignorance and fears. Fears draped in “biblical wisdom and prudence”.

I would announce, (stupidly I now realize) what I wanted to do, many times to be met with concern. Or whatever.

These last few years I’ve had to shut my ears to their helpful tips and sisterly advice and do what I believed was my path. Then everything changed.

Oh shit... what if they were right? Damn it. Did I mention I hate being wrong? When change occurs and it involves your children‘s choices, it’s hard. No one talks about it of course, because doesn’t that admit that perhaps your parenting was subpar? Don’t we all speculate with wayward

children it must have been the parent‘s fault, too permissive, not permissive enough, too liberal, too conservative, didn’t let them have enough junk food, too much junk food...

What do I want, what you want? Well, I do know this much, what I want is so wildly insane, that I dare not mention it to anyone. Lord have mercy, haven’t I learned that?

What I really wanted involved my family, a group project, so to speak. You see, my biggest mistake was expecting other people to have the same vision as me, even my family. Especially my family. I‘ve got to create it and one day, maybe they’ll catch the vision with me. Or create their own.

Allowing space for change, even hard change is critical. After all, isn’t the most painful cuts that shape us the most.


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